in search of a silver lining...

Dear You,

I guess this would be pretty hard for me to say this… but I want you to hear me out and listen to what I’m about to say…

When we met, and we started dating… I realized that it’s too good to be true for me to become so happy. You made me feel things I longed for… and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t ashamed to feel those things. I wanted you… and you wanted me back. We were attracted to each other and we couldn’t deny anything from one another. We did many crazy things – in private and in public – by giving in to our over-excited hormones so, for a time, I thought the relationship we had wouldn’t be very intimate.

When you finally told me that you loved me… I figured I must have done something right to have you in my life. I was very fortunate enough to have found you… after all the time I’ve been searching… waiting… longing…

I was happy just being with you.

I didn’t mind all the hardships that came across our way, because I was confident that you and I could stand strong and face them together, side-by-side. I didn’t mind those trials because I was with you. I was happy.

When you asked me who I’d choose between you and my family, I answered that I’d always choose you. Always. So when you asked me if I wanted to move in with you… I got all excited and asked: “How soon?”

I accepted you wholeheartedly… your strengths and weaknesses… And to me… you were always perfect even if you weren’t.

I loved you so much.

I did and tried everything I could just so you’d feel it. Everything I did… I did it for you. I was inspired to take on more challenges because of you. I wanted to be a person you could be proud of… equals in every right.

I wanted to make you feel how much I cared for you and your freedom. No matter how many times you made me worry, you’d always have my forgiveness… even if you didn’t ask for it.

I admit, at times, I’ve gone overboard with worrying and I would sometimes get angry at you for making me worry so much… not knowing if you were hurt… not knowing if you were alright… not knowing if I would see again…

And I had a great deal of trust in you.

I always thought that you would be truthful to me… and because of that, I never hid anything from you… because I know that you trusted me too…

And then… you decided to do that.

To be honest… when I saw you making love to him… I was shocked!

I would have never thought you would betray my love for you like that… and to make it all worse… you were doing it in our apartment…our personal escape… our sanctuary from the judging eyes of the world!

I was horrified to say the least… I couldn’t breathe… I couldn’t even think straight. My hands were shaking and my mind was racing as I stood there outside the door after you slammed it in my face.

I couldn’t even cry even when I damn well wanted to.

I stood there outside waiting for you to come out on your own… but when you didn’t, I started to knock… and knock… and knock…

When you finally came out… I punched you.

And that was the first time I truly punched someone with the intention of causing pain.

I was furious… devastated… humiliated… and when I saw the hurt look in your eyes… I almost broke down.

I was waiting for you to apologize… to tell me that what you did was done out of weakness… and I was ready to forgive you then and there… but that wasn’t what you said…

When I found out that you didn’t love me anymore… that you were already in love with him… I felt like a part of me has died.

And then I let my anger take control of me…

I said many things I shouldn’t have… done things I knew would have hurt you in so many ways. I refused to listen to what you wanted to say because I believed that there was nothing more to hear.

And then you just shut up and packed your things.

I kept silent and just watched.

It was painful for me to see you going around our home gathering all of your things and handing them outside to him. It hurt like a knife through the heart…

But I didn’t stop you.

I just let you go… because in the back of my mind that was what you wanted… and so I let you.

I’m not asking you to take me back… nor am I asking you if we could go back the way we used to be.

Things have changed… and I’m not sure if I can trust my heart to you again after what you did… and even if you do come running back, apologizing for what you’ve done… I still won’t take you back.

I guess… what I’m trying to say is that…

Even if you hurt me a hundred times before… even if you did lie to me… even if you cheated on me…

I can’t bear the thought of staying angry at you.

And even though everyone’s going to hate me for saying this… after what you’ve put me through… I still want you to know that I love you… and that hasn’t changed… not one bit…

There! I said it.

Now that I’ve told you what I truly feel… maybe this time, I can finally let go of you…

Because, knowing that you’re happy… even if it’s not with me… is enough reason for me to forget what we’ve had together…

I forgive you for all the pain you’ve caused me… for all the hurt you’ve put me through… and all of that doesn’t matter anymore… because, frankly, I still love you.

I would also like to apologize for what I did to you that night… and for all my shortcomings… I’m sorry if I wasn’t who you thought I’d be… I’m sorry if I wasn’t turning into the person you wanted me to become… I’m sorry if changed into a whole other person you didn’t like… but I truly can’t help that.

I don’t want us to look back on all of this and remember only hate and bitterness.

I want us to look back on this and remember the happy times… the good memories we’ve made… the time we’ve shared… the laughter and the smiles… the kisses and the embraces… and the love we had for each other.

That’s all I wanted you to know.

I hope you’ll finally find contentment… and true happiness…

I love you. Goodbye…

Sincerely,

Me.